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Bookish1

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Reply with quote  #1 
Okay, I don't want this to be a total buzz kill, but have you lost anyone close to you?  How did you get through it?  What helped you the most?  What was the hardest part for you? 

My husband passed away on January 15.  We had been together for 40 years, since I was in high school. I am surprised that I am doing as well as I am now.  I no longer start sobbing uncontrollably several times a day.  I can now go to the grocery store without dissolving in tears in front of the Totino's Party Pizzas.  I can listen to "Summer of '69" without breaking down over the line "Standing on your mama's porch, you told me it would last forever."

The thing that helped me the most has been reading accounts of Near Death Experiences, mediums, & spiritual writings regarding reincarnation.  With few exceptions, survivors of Near Death Experiences relate similar accounts:  after the tunnel & the light, they are greeted by spirits of deceased loved ones & (this is the best part) even pets!  Yes, the spirits of all those dogs we outlived are waiting to greet us when we get Home!  I love that.  

Accounts by real mediums (not the scam artists who slyly pump people for info) routinely mention the presence of spirits of deceased loved ones hovering around survivors.  It's not like that's all they ever do, of course, but they are keeping an eye on those left behind.

I know that everyone grieves differently, of course.  My daughter thinks that reincarnation is a bunch of hooey.  My son is open to it, but hasn't found the time to actually read the books I bought for him.  They both escape through work and social activities, while I plunged into gardening and tidying up some of Ed's unfinished projects, but we are all functioning.  Nobody opted for Grief Counseling.  Ed's mother, age 89, is having a much more difficult time.  She isn't likely to take up any new hobbies, and she was used to speaking with him several times a day.  It is hard for her to carry on.  

Did you receive any signs from your deceased loved one?  Spirits have a habit of leaving coins around in odd places, messing with photos, or controlling electronic devices.  You may also receive a visitation.  I haven't had a visitation yet, but the TV has been turning itself off quite a bit lately -- when no one is near the remote control.  I like to think that's Ed, saying, "Yo!  What's up?"  (I suppose it's also possible that a TV we just bought in October is suddenly on the fritz, but I kind of doubt it.) 

In case you're interested, or know someone who recently experienced a death in the family, here are some books that I found real comforting:

"We Don't Die" by Sandra Champlaign
"Life on the Other Side" and "Sylvia Browne's Book of Angels" by Sylvia Browne
"Blair Robertson's Afterlife Boxed Set"  (Robertson is a medium)
"The Light Beyond" and "Reflections on Life After Life" by Dr. Raymond Moody (Moody started the whole NDE literature fad)

I picture Ed in a pastoral environment, hanging out with the spirits of his grandparents, his high school friend (who passed on a couple of years ago) -- and all of our dogs.  I still miss him, but I know he is no longer in pain and I figure he's keeping an eye on things around here.  Time passes differently there.  It's all somewhat difficult to grasp, but it makes it easier to try to carry on here without him, knowing that he's happy and finally -- after 9 years of cancer treatments with horrendous side effects -- healthy.


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oldjarhead351

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Reply with quote  #2 

I'm happy to hear you have your grief so well under control in such a short time. I lost my wife of 43 1/2 years a little over eight years ago but didn't fare quite as well as you.

I too read accounts of near death experiences and drew strength from them but the most comfort came from my family, including my church family, but my kids and their spouses came through with support when it was most needed in spite of the miles between us. I am truly blessed to have the (now grown) kids that I have.

 

“Did you receive any signs from your deceased loved one?” I think so. She knew she was going to die and made several references to it. Things like she’s say “this is the picture I want in the paper for my obituary” and “I want my nephew Todd to have this.”

 

But the most convincing: I have a lot of annoying allergies and most cheap perfume scents do more than annoy, they make my nose run and my eyes water, but there are a few that don’t bother and she had experimented until she found a couple that didn’t. After about three of four weeks after she was gone I began to smell the scents that didn’t bother me on a semi-regular basis. At first I dismissed it as my imagination but it persisted up until about last March. She had told me at one time that if I ever remarried she would come back and haunt me, but I had remarried anyway. The smells persisted and things in the marriage didn’t go well at all until finally while we were in Californian, staying with my daughter, things between her and my daughter grew to the point of being intolerable so she decided to leave and flew back to Michigan. (That’s the short story)

 

While still in California I realized that it would be my daughter and my two sons (who disliked her), or it would be her. I chose my family and initiated a divorce with a lawyer in Michigan while I was still in California. After I got back to Michigan we went to court and it became final shortly thereafter. The perfume smells stopped but are still noticeable once in a while, usually after a family gathering and sometimes even during.

 

That’s about it. I smell her perfume only rarely now but it’s still around occasionally, so I guess she’s still haunting me.

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Bookish1

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Reply with quote  #3 
Well, I don't know if it could really be called "haunting," but that is definitely a communication from the other side.  I think it's awesome that she still drops by during or after family gatherings.     

I used to threaten to haunt Ed by kicking him in the butt if I passed first.   

I'm glad you got out of the second marriage in one piece.  I hear about people who get remarried and do fine, but you really have to find someone who gets along with everybody in the family.  Who needs all that added stress?  Then you also have to look out for people who just want to take advantage of you.  That probably happens to women more than men, though.  
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h3nla

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Reply with quote  #4 
When my brother died in '09, I announced it here (or maybe it was the Yuku board).

Although I had only one incident w/ my brother after he passed, mom had many.

a few years before, mom moved into a home where someone had died, unbeknownst to us.She was just moved four houses away from us.  She experienced not only a few ghosts , but a dog ghost.

She believed he had to  have smelled my brother's cigar. NO, He was involved in playing softball and whenever they won, he smoked a cigar.

SHE STATED HE HELPED TO GET RID OF THEM, by chasing them out.

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keninva

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Reply with quote  #5 
The grieving process really can't be ignored, and in truth you never really get over the loss of someone, you really just get to a point where you can be a little more rational about. I lost a friend in high school, and to this day I still drift back to that time whenever I experience the loss of someone via death. It's always unfair, the universe must have made a terrible mistake, you get mad at everyone, get made at God, get mad at Satan.........kick the dog and the cat. 

It's been my experience that in the average adult it takes about a year, some cases take longer, but grief takes a good solid year to work itself out. Just don't do anything major, unless you are left with no alternative, then at least you can begin to reason with the rational mind.



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"It's my intention, if elected, to disarm America to the level of acceptance to our Middle East Brethren. If we, as a Nation of warring people, conduct ourselves like the nations of Islam, where peace prevails perhaps a state or period of mutual accord could exist between our governments." then Senator Obama, "Meet The Press" - Sunday, 07 Sept. 2008 11:48:04 EST
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Zen DJ

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Reply with quote  #6 
My mom died of breast cancer when I was about 11 years old. No one told me or my little sister she was even ill though she had battled it for years. She hid it well, at least from us kids. Her death devastated me and I never really got over it.

After that, every other death of a family member or friend seemed trivial by comparison. After many years I finally just tried not to think about it and got on with living my own life.

Sorry, I don't have any uplifting advice to give on dealing with grief. 

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Badesumofu

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Reply with quote  #7 
I've hardly known anyone who has died. The closest would be a... grandfather in law (my Granny divorced when no-fault divorce was introduced in Australia and then remarried to a man who loved her and made her happy) but I was very young at the time, not old enough to really understand.

This will change of course and when it does it will be too soon. My stance on the afterlife has always just been that you just stop and then all that's left is people's memory of you. But it is the sort of thing that's hard to truly establish one way or the other. Science can't really deal with hypotheses that by their very nature aren't falsifiable.
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h3nla

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Reply with quote  #8 
I don't think (in general) because we haven't experienced something or don't understand something, 'it isn't so'.

Too many times things have happened to me or others that is beyond explanation, and one can easily say it was, "coincidental".

I know this is a generalization, but just commenting on the "un-seen" and the "unknown".

Case in point- when doctors are getting ready to operate on someone, and just before they do, they have X-Rays taken, to be sure, and then whatever was the ailment, is gone.
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NMOCM

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Reply with quote  #9 
I haven't ha anyone from my immediate family die, but I have a large, rather close extended family and, so, I've probably been a pallbearer more times than most people.

I believe in an afterlife, but I've found that it's helpful to separate out my sorrow for the other person from my sorrow for myself over having lost the other person.  People will say things like "He's in a better place right now," and I believe that, and, in relevant cases, we might note that their long period of suffering is finally over.  To me that seems to mostly miss the point.  When someone who's a valuable part of my life dies, he or she might be in a better place, but the place that I'm in got worse.  That's not the most uplifting reality, but I've found that it's a helpful one for me to recognize.

A month or so ago, my grandpa died. I had gone out for brunch with him every Sunday after church for years until he couldn't do it anymore, and I visited him about weekly after that, we spent every holiday together, and back in the day he was the one who taught me how to drive.  In his last few years, the effects of old age and various diseases started to take their toll.  He usually tried not to show it, but I think he suffered a lot.  I firmly believe that he's "in a better place."  And, to be honest, I'd imagine that if I couldn't get around, and couldn't remember things, and had to be constantly pricked and poked and forced to eat, I'd be pretty eager to check out of here... In a lot of ways, I'm happy for him now.  That doesn't change the fact that there's a hole in my weekly schedule, that there will be an empty chair at Easter dinner, or that the last time I drove him around his old neighborhood to hear his childhood stories will be the last ever.  But, those are changes in MY life... and what I do about it isn't an esoteric mystery, it's just a matter of the sorts of choices that we all have to make pretty constantly through life.  I'm constitutionally averse to happy talk and platitudes and I like to have a degree of control over things (even if I don't always do much to exercise it)... I find it comforting that, even when a situation is sad, how I handle it is mostly up to me.
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Bookish1

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Reply with quote  #10 
Quote:
Originally Posted by NMOCM
 I believe in an afterlife, but I've found that it's helpful to separate out my sorrow for the other person from my sorrow for myself over having lost the other person.  People will say things like "He's in a better place right now," and I believe that, and, in relevant cases, we might note that their long period of suffering is finally over.  To me that seems to mostly miss the point.  When someone who's a valuable part of my life dies, he or she might be in a better place, but the place that I'm in got worse.  That's not the most uplifting reality, but I've found that it's a helpful one for me to recognize. 


I like that.  We aren't in a better place at all, because there is a big hole in our lives where that person used to be.  The reality of a death in the family is just so much worse than you could ever imagine it to be.  Casual observances like, "Oh, he loved this movie!" or "He really hated that commercial" or "He spoiled that dog rotten" can bring me to tears.  Experiencing a death after a lengthy illness is hard because of course HE'S in a better place -- but we sure as heck are not.  You nailed it.
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Bookish1

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Badesumofu
 My stance on the afterlife has always just been that you just stop and then all that's left is people's memory of you. But it is the sort of thing that's hard to truly establish one way or the other. Science can't really deal with hypotheses that by their very nature aren't falsifiable.


But how do you explain all the Near Death Experience literature, in which people all over the world who have been brought back to life describe such similar journeys?  It's kind of difficult to discount something described over and over.  Even neurosurgeons say it couldn't be a result of oxygen-depleted brain activity because some people aren't showing any brain activity during the experience.  Survivors can describe medical procedures, what family members in adjacent rooms were doing -- & an incredibly vibrant afterlife -- which happens to line up with that described by other survivors.  Check out some of Dr. Raymond Moody's writings. They are guaranteed to make you think. 

Then there's the whole reincarnation phenomenon, in which young children have spoken of previous lives -- sometimes in other countries.  There is no explanation for some of these experiences. I love the whole idea of reincarnation:  our souls keep coming back, trying to get it right.  

Do you ever watch or read anything about mediums?  How could they know what certain people looked like, or what phraseology they used, or all those little facts that help validate them to their loved ones?  Sure, some mediums are fakes, but some are not.  I just find it difficult to discount the whole afterlife concept.  

If one life is all we get, and there is no afterlife (and, presumably, no God), then what is the point?  I guess there is no point. 
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Alice Pleasance

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Reply with quote  #12 
I'm gonna start with I loved Swordy and enjoyed talking with him, his board facilitated me and my husbands union and 2 little girls. So I thank you for your life and family. My dad died suddenly at 48 years old we were given 10 days and he died in four days.  I dream of him a lot. and that helps, talking about him helps.  What sucks is he wanted grand babies so bad and my brother and I didn't do that til after he was dead, and now I think of all the things I wish he was present for.  So the basics is, time heals, avoid music, try and invoke visits through dreaming.
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